impossibly oceanic
(written august twenty seventh)
I have an ocean heart but what if I'm scared to death of drowning in it????
I'm waiting for the approval of my nonexistent connections professor to tell me if its okay to take a break, take care of myself, and step outside the lines of adulthood long enough to be able to breathe normally
But I don't know if that is even a possibility anymore due to the fact that my new "home" is laced with the smell of smoke both from the fire in apartment 202 and my roommates bedspread.
I have shattered irreparably in 72 hours and there's no damn spell to clean this up.
And I mostly just don't want to disappoint you Grandpa, you've already put a Utah state decal on your car because you want me to go far.
You want me to go all the way I just don't know if I'm in the right kind of shape, physically or metaphorically. Because being on the fourth floor of a building with no elevator has sure proved the physical part right, and metaphorically... Well I can't quite fit right into my roommates picture frames and snapchats.
I was given the most beautiful colorful strong set of wings when I graduated and maybe I've been flying all summer, they just got tired when I had to land in the city that apparently never sleeps. And in the 3 nights I've spent here so far, I really did never sleep; there were too many things keeping me awake and fearful.
I thought nightmares were supposed to end when your childhood ended.
It seems like they've now just begun.
At the beginning of senior year we wrote an essay with the prompt "my future roommate should know..." And the only things I could think of was to tell them I like to take long showers and I hate mornings... But what I should've included was that I'm ingeniously good at not knowing when it's okay to take care of yourself and freaking slow the hell down.
Breathe.
Just breathe.
But you can't breathe when you know you're already drowning.
2 comments
Holy *@$# Kal.
ReplyDeleteI felt SO much in this. Never stop writing.
The part about your grandpa, wow I feel that.
And holy *@#$ the part with your letter to your roommates is SO REAL.
I love you and I love looking at this blog, sooo golden.
I am here for you always.
And this is the worlds longest comment...sorry not sorry.
I thought nightmares were supposed to end when your childhood ended.
ReplyDeleteIt seems like they've now just begun.
AHHHHHHHH I feel this all so much. you're my person Kallee Beth